Don’t forget me.

I prefer my own company. If I’m being honest, I don’t even like my own. I don’t know why I am here. If I don’t like my own company, how can I expect anyone else to?

I am a shadow.

I am a dark mark in the background. No-one talks to me. I don’t talk to them. I leave my house only when I have to because I’m frightened. Terrified of the anxiety that ravages my body – the sweats, the palpitations, the nausea and the fear.

My voice is not heard, but either is theirs. They hear what they want to hear so I tell them what is necessary to be left alone. They don’t truly know me. They don’t look deep enough to know my pain, my darkest worries or scariest thoughts. No, they fear that place so deep in my mind where I live. To acknowledge is to act. But there is no action they could use to drag me from here. No words to soothe me to happiness and contentment. I have no goals, I have no achievements. I have no importance. So what’s the point?

Occasionally, I have a good day where I will emerge from my inner den and mix with people that are ‘close’ to me. I may even let a smile pass my face. But not for long, it is for them. Despite my position, I know they love me but I am numb, numb to all goodness one life can possess.

I have tried to climb the dead branches from the pit of my soul up into a place of serenity, where its colours are reflections of life but I always stumble, lose my grasp on the dusty pieces of wood that could lead to contentment. Just as I reach a spot of light, a pair of invisible hands so familiar drag me back to the dust. To the dark. To the depth of my sadness and confusion.

I want to speak. I want to be heard. I want a way out. But I don’t know how. I don’t know if this is possible.

I want you to know I don’t want to feel alone. I didn’t choose to be like this. It’s not my fault that I feel trapped in this darkness. I actually want you to help.

Can you help? Please don’t give up on me no matter how hard and frustrating it is?

Please – put your hand out, hold on tight. You will feel tired and you may even think you can’t hold on any longer but as long as you hold on, I promise I will.

Don’t forget me.

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